The Truth About XION!
by CaCoPhOnY Of ScReAmS
Summary: When this bundle of burden was born, she was SO EMO and ANGSTY and TERRIFYING that Axel didn't care if it was his or not. The Angst was TOO POWERFUL, so he plopped Master Chief's helmet over her head. THUS SAVING THE WORLD...except Australia. CRACKFIC.


**Okay, I am CHALLENGING YOU TO READ THIS THING. seriously, if your brain melts, I can't be held liable.**

**This was written along with my dear awesome friend, whm I believe is called Xkakashi-loverX...or something like that. (Sorry Meg! I can't remember!) While we were in Florida over March Break. Fun times, eh? Yeah, and this is what we have to show for it!**

**We don't own: Kingdom Hearts, Bleach, -Man, Naruto, Inuyasha, FFVII Crisis Core, FFVIII, FFXII, Pokemon, Negima, Transformers, TWEWY, Cowboy Bebop, Fullmetal Alchemist, Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Batman, Sailor Moon, Halo, OR Phoenix Wright! (or anything I might've missed)**

-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-

Hello boys and girls! We are going to tell you something very interesting.

How many of you have ever played KINGDOM HEARTS? _Well_, I'm sure then that you've heard of 358/2 Days, haven't you? Yes, yes.

Right here, we have Xion. Now some people believe that Xion is Kairi's other Nobody, others believe that she is simply a cockstopper between Axel and Roxas. We, however, know the TRUTH.

Xion is Roxas' love child.

With Ulquiorra, but it might also be Allen Walker's. But Naruto won't let that happen. Then there was that fling with the Power Rangers and the Digidestined...

And NOW, onto our story. You see, Roxas was being a very NAUGHTY boy, what with him cheating on Axel and all... long story short, Roxas got knocked up. Knowing Roxas was pregnant and all, Axel still believed that this was his baby *cough*burden*cough*

But, strangely enough, no one even realized how fucked up it was for ROXAS to be PREGNANT in the first place! *sigh* Mpreg is such a touchy subject...

Anywho, hell ensued. Poor, poor Roxy got MORNING SICKNESS, and tended to throw up at random times in random places. So, after one incident involving an old magical well and sudden nausea, Roxy now had one very pissed off werewolf and a girl with no regard for legal skirt length out to kill him, but they accidentally ran all the way to Midgar and the two got scared away by the disgusting amount of PINK Aerith wore.

Womanly gossip and flower picking ensued.

...Until a strange man fell through the roof of the church and landed on Aerith, thus ending her life. That was pretty much Roxas' cue to leave.

This morning sickness was pissing Roxas off , so he travelled (Read: fell) down to Pallet Town to see the oh-so-famous Nurse Joy to get a cure for his morning sickness (overlooking the fact that there is no Pokemon Centre in Pallet). Sadly, looking as weird as someone could possibly be in Roxas' current situation, she instantly dubbed him an unknown species of Pokemon. Well, hey, you can't expect Nurse Joy to know this stuff; the only thing's she's good for are colonoscopies and lying that your Pokemon is okay. (Which we all know it isn't after all those seizures because of Negi's constant hentai sneezes!)

Roxas finally got it through his thick skull that Nurse Joy wasn't helping, so he hitched a Transport truck that reminded him of Axel for some reason, what with the flames going down it and all. It drove him all the way down to the Shibuya Drug Store by Shibu-Q-Heads.

Meanwhile, Axel was back at Castle Oblivion, knitting leg warmers with cow patterns. Axel himself was fully determined on being the best mo--er, father...um, the best _whatever_ he would have to be. Since he already had a huge gambling problem because of that stupid little bitch Faye (insert Cowboy Bebop here), and Luxord and Tyki probably didn't help either.

And this would be the point when Axel's "Self-Adjustment" would be interrupted by _**"**__**SUPERIOR MANSEX**__**"**_ accompanied by his blue-haired Legend-of-Zelda-reject manslave, proclaiming that knitting cow-patterned leg warmers, sadly, would NOT make him a better man. The only thing it would do is make him think of milk. Which looks like semen, which comes from him, which makes him thing of sex which leads to rape, which THEN equals Roxas...er...somehow.

SILLY AXEL, TRICKS ARE FOR KIDS!

So, Axel decided to take a slight break from knitting to visit his relatives. Ironically enough, Axel's family reunions don't happen often. So Axel, along with Reno, Lavi, Renji, and Kariya rented an RV to go trucking down to Shambala, where they picked up Scar and some random Hitch-hiker off the side of the road as they listened to Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy singing redneck trucking songs.

Now, we don't want ALL the attention on AXEL. (pshhh! Who needs him?) So meanwhile, Roxas was kicking some Zombie Ass aside the oh-so-sexy Chris Redfield. Not exactly the smartest activity for a pregnant..er..man to be doing, but you know. Now somehow Roxas and Chris ended up in Silent Hill. Not the friendliest place to end up at, but beggars can't be choosers. Hey, you never know, maybe there's a hospital! Roxas did eventually find a hospital, yet the warmth didn't last long with a Dr. Pyramid Head trying to hack them into pieces. Roxas didn't like that, and wanted to get away from the bad men who tried to turn him into chop liver. So he pulled out his Escape Rope and high-tailed it over to Gotham City.

Axel and cousins were walking now, seeing as Scar blew up their RV when Reno accidentally mixed the peas and corn when dinner came around. That my friends, is a big no-no in a criminal's eyes. Losing the RV hurt Axel on the inside; it was like he lost a part of himself. So Lavi suggested bringing Axel to a good old Strip Bar. Yes, mmm~ With those nice lookin' Sailor Scouts. In the name of the moon, they will punish you~! Mhmm oh yeah, eheh...

While Roxas was chillin' with Batman out in Gotham City, and maybe switching a few street signs and overrunning the local Wal-Mart with chickens (Don't you just HATE whan that happens?) *sigh* It was all fun and games until the batmobile backfired and ran over Roxas.

And of _COURSE_ karma just had to come around and bite him in the ass when he woke up in the middle of a crowded intersection.

Roxas was really confused, and he felt a little empty inside. Seemingly he couldn't walk on his third leg anymore. It always used to help him with tying up his shoelaces and practicing with his struggle bat, but I guess that's why they call it an Entry Fee. Roxas began to panic when suddenly he fell to the floor, tripping over a heap of smelly garbage. With the fumes of the stinky situation around him, it blurred his vision. The only thing he could possibly see was a man...A crazy train conductor? (well, he _did_ have a megaphone...) Maybe some older Naruto gone Mafia Boss? Who knows. But for some odd reason he was willing to help. Weird, but sure, he'll take any help he can get, in exchange for making his garbage...er, ART, "More larger and grand!"

Fighting the world of evil was pretty tiring with all the moons and boobs. Additionally with all those Sailor Suits....mmm~ Roxas in a Sailor Suit, mmm~ Ah, goddamnit! There the redhead goes again! Yet, oddly, there was some blond lying in the middle of the road. Wait. It was Roxas! Axel tripped and stumbled over to the body, laying beside it as he sobbed like a little baby.

When suddenly, COMPLETELY out of the blue, a drunken, unemployed Professor Oak appeared, explaining that Roxas had entered "The Game" all because of damned Square Enix and Jupiter.

WILL THIS MADNESS NEVER END!?!!

Anyway, Professor Oak explained that the only way for Axel to possibly help Roxas was for him to **DIE**. Now, the redhead was about to object, when the crazy old man whacked him in the back of the head with a Yaoi Paddle, rendering the pyromaniac unconsious. Funnily enough, he didn't wake up in the Scramble Crossing, but somewhere completely different. Yes that's right, nowhere near any city, but on a cliff. Yes, a cliff. With two men randomly fighting each other, only to be halted by the redhead. With a now pissed off slicked-back blond with a random boo-boo on his face and a chocolate brown mushroom cut with a similar face scar, Axel was done for, his flame butted out.

Axel quickly bolted away as the blond went after him, waving around his hyperoin. The redhead hitched a pink tricycle and rode away, attempting to get to Roxas. AND HE DID!!! Yes, cue the wonderful, heartwarming, "I LUV YOU ROXAS" "I LUV YOU TOO, AXEL!" reunion between the lovers. Happy tiems shalt nevah end.

Then ALL OF THE SUDDEN,

Roxas went to the ground, screeching, "OH MY GAWD AXEL, THE BABY IS COMING!!!", so of course Axel went all apeshit insane, freaking out and all. And so Roxas' partner-in-crime, Sho Minamimoto, refered them to a "Zetta Awesome" hospital over in Dalmasca, where Nurse Tea assisted Roxas to the birthing room while Dr. Kaiba was on his Duel Break.

And **THEN** came Xion...

When this little bundle of burden was born, she was SO EMO and ANGSTY and TERRIFYING that Axel didn't care if it was his or not. The Angst was TOO POWERFUL, so he plopped a mask, er well, Master Chief's helmet over her head. THUS SAVING THE WORLD...except Australia.

Australia was like, uberly pissed off, thus sueing Xion. It wanted to be saved, but Xion's angst was such an ass that it didn't, done deal. However, the Organization hardly had a penny to spare, so Roxas hired Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney. While courst was in session all the "OBJECTIONS!" and "HOLD ITS!" got SO annoying, the judge ordered Xion to be sent to Alabasta, to be tortured with the horrible 4Kids OnePiece dub.

Funny thing is, this all ended happily. Well, until the bitch came back after being gone for...well, a whole lot more than 358/2 Days (LIES, ALL OF IT!!).

Xion came back to the Organization XIII, hoping to make it the big One-Four. Evil intentions, eh? With the mask off, the world was at risk once again! So Axel and Roxas wanted to be on Earth's Crusader's good side by calling the their "Friend". Which really, she wasn't, and they used her. For what, you may ask? Scrabble. Yes, I mean Scrabble. She was pretty wordy if you know what I mean.

-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-

**Whoa. Leave a review if you managed to get through all that!**


End file.
